And we’ll be back after this commercial break.

Underwriters.

I beg your pardon?

Underwriters. We don’t have commercials, Steve.

No one knows what underwriters are.

You’re an arrogant jackass.

I’m not the one who sits there waiting for me to make a mistake so I can jump and scream and wave my flabby arms like you do. I see you there, waiting. You’ve been waiting twenty years for me to make that mistake. Your teeth can finally stop grinding into the microphone.

My teeth will stop grinding when your chair stops screaming.

That means nothing coming from someone who uses cupcake wrappers as floss.

It was once. I had seconds before we were back on the air.

I don’t think it should be protocol to continue to wear pajamas in the studio.

There’s no rule that we can’t.

It’s just that the listeners have some sort of expectation of our standards. Look at your shirt. There are barbeque stains. Did you have ribs last night?

Wings.

It’s just not a proper place to work when you have coworkers wearing the same clothes day after day, not even changing for barbeque stains from the night before.

Tuesday.

Great. That was three days ago. There’s some sort of perception, you know.

No one cares what we look like.

It comes across when we speak.

You’re lucky I haven’t started wearing my swimsuit yet. Please stop crying.

This isn’t what I imagined when I joined public radio.

Helen, you’ve been working here for over a decade.

And I’ve always felt like I’m on my way out.

You do cry a lot.

That’s mostly because of you.

So your problem isn’t with public radio.

I suppose not.

Good.

It’s because of arrogant jackasses like you.

Please. If I was as arrogant as you, I would never improve my speech. I’d lose control of my pitch.

You slur your Rs.

That has nothing to do with pitch.

It’s still a negative. If you had better command of your Rs, I bet you’d cry less during the breaks.

I’d cry less during the breaks if you’d talk less during them.

I’m just saying. Say “walrus”.

No.

Walrus. It’s easy. How about “Wally the walrus walks around the waterfall”?

This is childish.

I could say this all day. I sometimes practice at night with my wife.

You aren’t married. How do you have time to critique the way I speak when you’re supposed to be preparing your next delivery?

I tape each show.

You tape each show. So you do this four hours and then go home and listen to the four hours again.

I fast-forward during the commercials.

Underwriters.

An interruption is an interruption.

This is the arrogance I’m talking about. You wouldn’t call all those nasty things you eat fat-enhancers. I haven’t seen such an appetite since my last trip to the aquarium.

You are dumber than my dog.

I will steal your dog.

You’ll do what?

You heard me.

Oh no, you won’t.

I will steal your dog.

Don’t make threats like that.

It’s not a threat. It’s a promise. I will steal your dog.

Go ahead. Try it.

Yeah?

Yes. Go ahead. He will eat your morbidly obese ass alive.

It’s a shih tzu. It weighs thirteen pounds.

Thirteen pounds of absolute hell-raising fury. He will tear you to pieces.

He’s got nothing on me. I’m two hundred and fifty pounds of lightning ferocity.

Commercial break over in five.

Underwriter break.

Hag. Three.

Good luck.

You too. One.

In Washington, this is NPR.

Gregory Mazurek graduated from Brown University with a BA in English literature and has written several as-yet unpublished novels. He can be contacted at http://www.gregorymazurek.com.