I go to the airport to pick up my friend Frey. He’s returning from his latest appearance on the Oprah show. He appears at the door of the plane, slouched against the flight attendant. Frey’s shirt is torn and covered in blood and snot. I stare at his swollen, gashed face. Some of his teeth are missing. He smells like shit.
What the fuck happened to you?
She ambushed me, man. She fucking ambushed me.
He leans against me as I drag him to my car. I grab a used gym towel from the floorboard and wipe him down. He doesn’t seem to mind. I spread the towel across my seat, load Frey in the car, and buckle him up. He dozes off as I drive back to my place.
He wakes up as we arrive and makes it into the apartment with little help from me. After drinking coffee and smoking several cigarettes, Frey describes what he remembers.
I arrive in the green room. Oprah comes by. She acts like she is happy to see me. She tells me not to worry, that we will get through this. She encourages me to be strong and remember to tap into my inner strength.
Oprah leaves to start the show. I’m feeling more relaxed.
I watch on the monitor as Oprah apologizes, says she was wrong to leave the impression that the truth doesn’t matter. She appears angry. She says she has questions for me after the break. My stomach tightens.
I sit on the sofa facing Oprah. Her eyes are hard, piercing through me. I feel heat from the disgust emanating from the studio audience. Oprah asks the first question.
OK, Mr. Bravado Tough Guy, what the fuck?
It’s just that, that, that…
I begin to stutter. I look away.
Look at me! I want to ask you about what you wrote on page 231. Read this.
I turn around and lean over to see what she is pointing to in the book. When my face is close to the page, she slams the book shut across my nose and twists it really hard. I hear a crack and feel white pain. Wetness runs down my lips and chin. I lose consciousness.
When I wake up, Oprah has my publisher, Nan Talese, in a headlock. She slings Nan around like a rag doll. Oprah notices I am awake. She yells at the audience.
Are you ready people? Grab the cudgels of truth I have placed under your seats. The line forms behind me!
Oprah holds up her Cudgel of Truth, a billy club, and starts beating the shit out of me. The beating continues for the next nine hours until every member of the audience has taken a whack.
I lose all control of my bodily functions and pass out once again.
I wake up and find myself still on the set, lying on the sofa. Oprah sits next to me in her chair. She sees that I am awake, leans over, and whispers.
Mr. Bravado Tough Guy, I have one more lesson for you.
I hear the studio audience scream, going crazy. Suddenly, I hear a maniacal laugh and realize my worst nightmare is coming true. I piss my pants. Standing before me, dressed in black leather and cowboy boots, is Tom Cruise.
He starts jumping on and off the sofa like a retarded wallaby, laughing like a fucking madman, crushing me with his heels.
That’s the last thing I remember until I see you at the airport.
We sit in silence for a little while, Frey smoking.
But, Frey, I watched the show. It didn’t happen that way, man.
Frey sips his coffee and slowly shakes his head.
Editing. Fucking editing.

Dan Burt lives in Alabama with his wife and two sons. He is the creator of the website Captain Canard. In his spare time, Dan works for the federal government.